Empty

You taught me so much,

You gave me so much,

And yet I cannot help but wonder if I paid for it all,

With the sleepless nights

Drenched in heartbreak tears,

With the uncertainty of our love,

Torn between waiting and letting go

With your promises to me

That meant nothing to you,

I wonder if I paid it with you laying your hands on me,

Claiming I deserved it

Was that the price for it all?

Tell me if losing myself in you was the price,

Maybe it was my dreams,

The ones I put aside to serve you

Or maybe the submissiveness you forced on me,

I hope the price was worth everything you gave me

Because at the end I feel empty

You gave me much,

But took away everything I am.

 

The last time.

I was always “the last time kind of girl”

The one who held your hand tighter,

Kissed you longer, always saying

Just in case this is the last time,

We took long walks in the same name of

This could be our last time,

I read you books aloud so you could remember me with them,

Hoping you could relate me with some character when am gone,

I wrote you poems that I hid in your books,

Hoping after the last time you will still read them,

Wrote Letters describing our moments together,

Every single detail of our intimate moments,

Hoping that after the last time, you will come back,

It was almost like I knew the end was nigh,

Not the body death kind of end

The separation kind of end,

I guess deep inside I knew you were not mine,

Maybe it was the days you would go ghost on me,

Perhaps the way you hesitated before holding my hand,

Or maybe that you couldn’t look into my eyes,

You claimed they shone so bright,

I guess your mystery scared me,

Enough to prepare for a goodbye,

Deep inside I knew you would wake up and leave,

I knew you would say the words,

“It’s time, I have to leave.”

I just wish my heart knew better.

 

photo credits: Pinterest

The one

Everyone has the one for them,

I was convinced you were mine,

Your mere existence brought me to my knees,

Everything about you was alien to me,

Incomparable to any human I have ever met,

Nothing about you could be wrong,

Not your disappearance for days,

Only to come back with a convincing story

Not even you comparing me with other girls,

Not even the shallow reasons you gave for hurting me,

I was ready to mold you into my perfect man,

I made excuses for your shortcomings,

Prayed for you without listening to God,

I even fell in love with everything you loved,

Your too old music for my ears, that you played so loud,

 The controversial books that talked of love for sex and alcohol,

I lived your life with you, for you.

I called it submission to my the one,

I called it compromising, sacrifice even.

Anything that convinced me that you were right for me,

Loving you hurt me, but

You were my one and only,

I promise I thought you were the best of me,

Until you weren’t,

And now I have to pick myself up,

Fall in love with the person I left behind,

Me.

Vision Board.

“Don’t let anyone tell you what you can or can’t do.” Is a common advice that many of us don’t heed. You have all these images in your head of what your dream car looks like, your dream home, family or even your dream job. You have it in your mind and may have shared with your peers who jokingly put you off and you laughed it off too. “Yeah, I am probably being over ambitious,” You say all the time after speaking your dreams out.

A vision board; a crazy board for crazy people with crazy dreams. That is my definition of a vision board, also I am crazy and that makes me a vision board believer. I have listened to testimonies of both known and unknown people who put out in the world what they wanted and somehow the universe conspired. A friend that I respect told me that when he got his first job and got a cheque book he wrote to himself a cheque of 1 million shillings and put the cheque in his bedroom. Every day he would look at it until the day it was actualized.

Put your matches down, I am not referring to witchcraft or magic. I am referring to the power of visualization. The power of believing in yourself more than anyone else ever will. The power of knowing what you want and truly believing you can have it within a period of time. The power of putting it out to the universe. The power of becoming what you behold. How does this work? Every day you wake up to embark on your life journey you know your destination. You are reminded of where you are going, so when you feel the need to take unnecessary rests you remember where you are going and push further.

A vision board comes in handy in so many ways. You print out pictures of everything you want in this life and put it on a board that you hang conspicuously in your room. The images you put there should dominate your mind. Your thoughts become your reality.

Every morning and evening you look at the vision board and remind yourself what you are working towards. There will be days when you will feel less, trust me these days come hard. You will speak negativity towards your life and you will believe it. At that point look at that vision board and tell yourself, I put that there because I had faith that I can do that. If at one point I was crazy enough to think I can do that then I can certainly do it even now.

As I said a vision board is crazy so you don’t limit yourself. You do not put up things you can easily achieve. You are a creation of an amazing father whom you cannot limit on what He can actually give you. He gives us wisdom, He gives us the ability to create wealth. He is joy, peace and love so believe you can have whatever you want. Nothing is too big, put it out there, attract it all, claim it loved ones and be the most hardworking person you know exists. Everything you pray for, everything you work for you deserve it.

 

And as Oprah says, “when you have done everything you can do, surrender all!”

Finishing strong..

get in your space and start now.

If you are like me, you are already panicking that they year is coming to an end, which happened rather fast, we are 45 days away. I hope I didn’t scare those who wanted to remain oblivious on the number of days we are from 2018. Well, I know most people are trying to finish the year well, it is not over until it is over. My mantra for these few last days is that I know His promises for me still stands and mainly I just want His will to be done. I say this to mean that I know there are things I put down to have accomplished by the end of this year and I hope to, but if it doesn’t happen I will be alright.

This post is for me and anyone else who may get tempted to stop before it is clearly over.

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life”   

I don’t know who said this but I feel inspired by it. You have to keep waking up and showing up even if it feels like it’s just over. You have to fill that cup of faith and know the God of yesterday is still the God of today. He will still do exceedingly and abundantly above all that we can imagine.

Therefore, do not stop because you feel the year is over; what if now prepares you for 2018? Today could be the reason you get that promotion in January, that deal or even that partner. Treat it like the first day of the rest of your life. Make moves that will make your life better tomorrow. Blank page, make it count love.

Stop comparing

Please don’t end the year comparing your first chapter with someone else’s last chapter. People bloom differently, some early and others late. I have understood that God’s plan for each of us is different, some people’s purpose require much stretching while others requires less stretching. He is our father and knows what’s best for each one of us.

Do not stop because compared to the next person, you do not look like you are headed anywhere. Maybe 2017 was their year, be happy for them because maybe 2018 is yours but needs you to prepare today for those blessings to come.

Be careful to not let comparison stop you in the middle of your journey to your success.

Do not stop because you feel so far you have put in so much only to get less

The process, the behind the scene work, maybe that is you now. Do not stop because before the glow and the glam looks, work goes in.  Everything that you have been through this year could be for the sole purpose of preparing you for who God has called you to be.

I am going to be the first to admit that I have felt like I have gotten less from my work input. I wondered for a minute why God? I did everything I thought I needed to do and still achieved less than I should have, according to me. I felt frustrated, desperate even, but I am however grateful to God’s word that guides me in my day to day life. His word  in 1 peter 5:10  reminded me that, “And God of all Grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

I therefore will not count my losses and stop but will push on knowing at His time, He will make all things perfect.

Prepare for 2018 now

You cannot stop now because now is the perfect time to prepare for 2018. This is when you write down everything you want to achieve in the next year. This is the time to make your vision board. If you feel the urge to let go and let 2018 take care of itself, it sure will take care of itself and honey you will not like it.

Start again, forget about the former things for I am doing a new thing, says the Lord. If you want to get into a new industry, this is the time to work on your resume and have someone look at it. If you want to lose weight, this is the time to start with jogging for short distances so your body will be used to it by January. Plan, prepare and start the first steps of executing those plans.

I wish you the best ending to your 2017.

Faith Muturi Ngugi on sexual purity.

It’s the 21^st century, lights on, couple up, show some body let’s shoot this. If you are confused where this is going, I am too but really it’s the “sex sells” century. You got that right, I am back here talking about sex or rather the lack of it as promised.

Let us have deep conversations like, was sex created by God? Yes it was. Conversations like what are the implications of having premarital sex. Let us go back to those days of uncomfortable sex talks only this time what makes us uncomfortable is talking about us not having it.

I hope in your mind at this point you are not asking who gave this little miss perfect the right to discuss this. Well to start with, I am not perfect, I am far from it and about who gave me the right, I will go with our Lord Jesus Christ.

Sexual purity is a conversation that can no longer be ignored. I had the best conversation on this topic with former crossover co-host, the gorgeous Faith Muturi Ngugi who has not shied away from this truth. She has discussed it in most interviews and shared with her 124k followers on Instagram on her purity journey and how she truly benefited from that.

A conversation with the corporate training consultant was a breath of fresh air as she dived in on so many topics concerning sexual purity.

Celibacy, abstinence, purity which is which? I start the conversation. “I don’t think either is wrong or right, I however prefer sexual purity, the journey towards purity. It is more than something physical, it is being pure in the mind too.” Faith says. According to her, sexual purity is simply not abstaining from sex but also upholding faith in other aspects e.g. our thoughts and actions need to be honorable.

I want to know more about protecting our space so I dig in with the question of how we can achieve that. “There is a lot of sexual stuff passed on around us but we still need to be accountable of what we expose ourselves to, especially on what we watch.” Faith explains the point further by speaking on not setting yourself up for fail. “If I want to lose weight and I decide not to eat cake I will definitely not buy cake and put it in front of me. I am human I will fall into temptation.” In the same way there are certain environments that make it hard to pursue sexual purity.

It is at this point where she talks of commitment. Sexual purity is not about being perfect, but more of someone’s commitment to pursuing purity. She gives an example of two people in a chama contributing towards a certain goal but their commitment on different levels. One person is financially stable and another is struggling yet in some cases you will find it is not the amount of money that determines whether the goal will be achieved it is the commitment to the goal. “We need to be committed enough to the purity journey,” she says and goes in on the story of Joseph who was tempted by his boss’s wife but his commitment to God was enough to make him say no.

On eligibility for this journey

Sexual purity journey should be pursued by each one of us. It is what God desires for us. Our body is His temple and we should treat it as such. No matter how many times you fall, His grace is sufficient. This is her belief and she goes in again explaining its  commitment  that matters in sexual purity, she talks of David, a man after God’s own heart yet even him sexual sin was a struggle. He committed adultery but after realizing his mistake repented and God forgave him. At this point my mind goes to the Samaritan woman, the woman at the well. She had an experience with Jesus despite her sexual sin. She asked for the living water so she may not thirst anymore and the word says many Samaritans believed because of this woman.

“At whatever stage you are in your life, single mother, a young single lady or even in a situation-ship or relationship, you can decide to pursue purity, “Faith emphasizes.  Therefore, regardless of whether you have had sex before or even had a child, you can still pursue sexual purity.

“I pursued purity as a single lady, while engaged and even now as a wife,” she says. I fumble and as if she is reading my mind, she says laughing, “Let me explain the marriage part, sex is pure within marriage, so sexual purity means abstaining before marriage and being faithful to one spouse in marriage, this means sex within marriage is sexual purity, that’s the beautiful way God designed it.

On how she achieved purity as a single lady

“I stayed engaged in so many activities, I was living my life and living it to the full.” She starts.  Faith says it is achievable to live a normal exciting life and be sexually pure. It is definitely not easy yet it is great to live a life without the baggage of unhealthy sexual decisions. I stayed engaged in fun and fulfilling activities; for instance she was in a group dance, yes dance. She also hang out with her girls and did sleep overs and attended events that would help her grow as a person. She encourages me to continue writing and to live my life to the fullest.

She advises me to talk about my journey knowing well its God’s grace that sustains me. Faith tells me that as a single lady, she would be advised by friends not to share publicly on her stand on sexual purity.  Their argument being the possibility of falling and getting pregnant in the public. “I told them that I was fully aware that I am not perfect so even if I fell ‘god forbid”, I hoped I would find the strength in God to get up, be restored and start a fresh journey on sexual purity.” She says.

People pursuing sexual purity should be more vocal about their journey and encourage each other. Don’t be scared that people will think you are acting perfect, it’s your truth and you shouldn’t be ashamed of it.

On boundaries when courting

“Boundaries are different for everyone so there is no size that fits or solution, as for her experience She goes ahead to say that they were attracted to each other with her husband — then her fiancée –they however chose to uphold their values.

“We were more focused on what would build us rather than focusing on what we shouldn’t do and with that we enjoyed ourselves. Her advice is that even as I continue pursuing purity, I should focus on the positive and not on what I shouldn’t do.

“Sexual purity is not a life sentence, it is a great opportunity to discover yourself in a meaningful way.” She says. As a couple they had group dates with other couples, watched plays and engaged in activities that would build them, like taking classes on managing finances as a couple.

On testing the car before buying it

I can tell from the other end, the statement makes her livid. “People are not cars, they are not a thing that they need testing before using. What happens when you go to the showroom, test a car and it’s not good? You return it. Similarly when you buy a car and you don’t like it a few months down the line you plan to do away with it and get a new one. We are not cars we are human beings. Sadly that’s what is happening in marriages, moving from one to the next. Faith is of the opinion that people are not perfect but you don’t throw them away because of imperfections you build that relationship.

During courtship you learn each other’s strengths and weaknesses. “Sex is not only about being physical with someone, it is also being vulnerable to one another and ultimately it is about trust. Sexual purity builds trust which leads to fulfillment in marriage.” She explains.

On benefits of waiting

“Waiting helps build character and trust, you will not always be with your spouse, sometimes work or other events separate you for days, but based on the values obtained during courtship, you easily trust each other. You also learn to be patient with one another.” She says.

Mrs. Ngugi is adamant that character builds marriage. When one has good character they appreciate exclusivity. They know that with their spouse it’s for better or for worse. “You honor each other and that is what I mean with sexual purity in marriage.” She explains.

Sexual purity is not an imprisonment; in fact, she says it is like running in a marathon and getting to the finish line to get the reward.

Waiting enabled them to build a friendship, something she says helps them stay together.

As we get to the end of our conversation she encourages me to stay true to who I am and reminds me that obedience to God will yield results. “Pauline sexual purity is not for the perfect, it is a journey that has to be refreshed every day.” She gives me her last advice.

Time went by fast but by the end of the interview, I have gained full insight on sexual purity and also gained a friend.

It is not magic what Faith and her now husband did, so many people are waiting. Speak out on your journey, there are so many people who need encouragement and for anyone willing to obey God’s command be assured that you will never miss His blessings.

 

Lessons in My 20s

Most people will agree with me that our 20s are somehow the most challenging. We are juggling between keeping up with societal expectations while trying to chase our dreams. Most young people have faced depression in this decade and others sadly committed suicide. We graduate from colleges and universities with the promise of good jobs waiting for us only to come to the real world and face the mountain that is unemployment. There are those who are lucky to have connections and others get a way out in the few decent places willing to give graduates a chance. The other group embarks on their entrepreneurship journey which can be challenging especially with our microwave mentality.

The 20s are our adult reality, everything we thought we would have as adults dawns on us that it is just that, an illusion. I have learnt tons in my 20s, made terrible mistakes and also made great decisions. I have had my highs and my lows and I know the 20s are not done with me yet but as they show me what adulthood is, let me share what I have learnt.

On Careers: Oh the 20s and careers! Raise your hand if you figured out your path early and followed it? Okay, the rest let us give these chosen few a loud of applause.

I have started jobs, quit and started something else, excited I have found “the one” in terms of jobs only to feel inadequate months in. When really do I figure this out, like seriously? When I am 30? Anyone here to tell us if it gets better on the third floor?

The one thing I have learnt however is pursue your passion. If you desire to be in a certain field and get a chance to just get your foot in the door of the company you desire to work for, take it and then prove your worth.

Pursue your entrepreneurship desires, appreciate small beginnings and go through the process.

I have learnt that it may take time but eventually I will find my place in this world, my purpose.

On love and relationships: Love is patient, kind, hopes all things and endures all things. Love is for better or for worse. This kind of Love is what we should offer ourselves first. I have learnt especially in the last one year to love myself unconditionally, to be patient with myself and truly be kind to self.

You can only offer someone else what you know, therefore filling your cup helps you pour out that love to the one He has kept for you.

Love is a great feeling and comes from God and therefore we should not shy away from desiring to find love.

I have learnt that learning and being clear on what I want in a relationship will help me not settle for less. I have my standards and whoever thinks they are too high is exactly the kind of person I do not want to be with.

A relationship built on the foundation of Christ will be shaken but not fall. You have to submit to God and especially as a woman get on with a man who submits to God. His master is your master and therefore submitting to this man comes effortlessly.

Fall in love and stay in love with someone who loves you too, someone who respects you. I had to ask myself if the kind of man I want would be attracted to the woman I am. No one is putting in work on themselves to be with someone who is not putting in work on themselves too.

As from my previous post, I have learnt that purity is important in a relationship. Physical attraction can only get you so far. What happens when you meet the next attractive person?

The need for deep bonds can never be overemphasized and this cannot be achieved when a relationship is clouded by sexual pleasure. It gives false illusion that you are connected to a person while in the real sense you are only connected to that feeling. We have been there, we know how the story ends.

On Being Intentional

It is not enough to say you want to spend time with God or with even friends and family. You have to be intentional.

Be intentional about spending time with God, therefore have a plan on when you will talk to Him and when you will be listening to Him. He is the center of everything and learning to truly surrender to Him has helped me not hold on to things I should let go.

Be intentional about making time for friends, I fail but I am really trying to be intentional with making time to spend with friends, catching up with friends I haven’t seen in a long time.

Our 20s teach us on the brevity of life, with so many of us not making to the third floor, it is a blessing to be alive. We, therefore, learn to appreciate those who are around.

Be intentional about spending time with family or checking on them. I write this sad that I lost a cousin whom I haven’t seen or talked to in a long time. My heart is heavy and I wish I was more intentional. It is a lesson and I will do better.

On self-care:

Oprah says “I consider it a compliment that I am full of myself, because only when you are full, I am full,  I am overflowing, my cup runneth  over, I have so much to offer and so much to give, I am not afraid of honoring myself, it’s miraculous when you think about it.”

This is a lesson I have learnt the hard way, one is when my body fails me because I am not taking care of it. It is also a lesson I have learnt when all I say is yes to everyone leaving no time for what I love.

As an adult being selfish turns out to be a virtue because if you are not putting in work on yourself how can you help others? How do you love someone when you do not love yourself?

I have therefore learnt to take a step back when the world gets too chaotic. I retreat from everything and everyone, go somewhere unfamiliar, I go to a coffee shop… you can go anywhere just not your house. The unfamiliar place tends to open up your mind and helps you relax.

On self-care too I have learnt to take care of my body by trying to eat right and definitely working out.

Self-care is mental, physical and importantly spiritual. Feed your mind and your soul so you never run out.

I have learnt that for me, I tend to fall into depression when I do not take care of myself. I get easily irritable, over think things and end up in a rut of depression. Sad little Pauline is not pretty at all, so self-care for me is something I cannot compromise.

On Gratitude: I have complained a lot in my 20s. Well, I want to have it all when I am young so I have the energy to enjoy it all, call me naïve but I bet you are thinking the same thing.

I, however, had to learn a lot about being humble and appreciative of every single blessing He has given me. I started journaling and I have to admit in the beginning I was just shallow. The only thing on my gratitude list was “I am alive” until I asked myself the hard question, what exactly are you thankful for? I started to list every single thing.

I am grateful that I was able to pay my bills

Grateful that I have friends and family who truly care for me.

The list increased every day and I realized it made me cognizant of the blessings He has given me so before I ask Him for more, I thank Him first for what He has given me.

On choosing friends:  We are in our 20s in an era where social media is the go-to for everything. #Friendshipgoals is a common hashtag on social media but really how close are you with your friends?

In our 20s we mostly have convenient friends, you know, associates. People who we work with become our best friends.  Once we leave the job we get new ones, when we move neighborhoods we get new ones. Our friends are really the people around us, the people we spend a lot of time with.

My lessons: create deeper friendships that pass the test of time. Have coffee with friends after not seeing each other in a long time. Catch up with them and go on holidays with your friends. Love each other most importantly.

Network everywhere you go, these people could turn out to be your close friends while others could turn out to be your business partners.

On Faith in God: It is through our faith that we experience God. I learnt to fully trust Him, when moments of desperation come I trust He is doing a good work in me. I trust that He will still bring it to completion.

In my 20s I have Found God, He was always there when I was running to my gods, when I thought  I was enough by myself He was right there. He was there loving me unconditionally and letting me find my way to Him and I did.

In my 20s I have learnt to surrender to God, His will is better than mine, His thoughts bigger than mine. I know He has great plans. I have learnt He is my father and He can only want the best for me, so in my darkest moments I have learnt to lean on Him and trust Him knowing it is a process meant to make me whom I am supposed to be.

This is one of the decision in my 20s I am sure I will never regret.

 

My fears and what the bible says about me: Bible verses to remind you what God has in store for you.

 

 

I am afraid, of not being successful and ending up average. I am scared that my mother will never say ‘I am proud of you.’ I am scared that everyone who said I couldn’t go far was right. I am scared that I will walk in the light and then one day I will fall and that’s when God will call me and I will miss heaven. I am   scared, I feel like I could disappear and the world wouldn’t notice my absence and those who would, won’t miss me. I am scared that I haven’t lived life at all and the bus is here so I have to go, having experienced nothing.

I am however well aware that fear cannot exist with faith. I have these moments every time something goes wrong but the Bible is always quick to remind me that everything is working for the good of those who love the Lord.

If you have faced this kind of fear, maybe lost your job, a loved one or just feeling left behind here is a few verses to remind you that your father is a king and He’s got your back.

What does the word say about me?

Psalms 107:28 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble and He brought them out of their distress.

Proverbs 23:18   There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.

Isaiah 61:7 Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance and so they will inherit a double portion in their land and everlasting joy will be theirs.

Lamentations 3:24 I say to myself, the lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him.

Job 42:2 I know that you can do all things; no plans of yours can be thwarted.

Psalm 69:20 though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.

Zephaniah 3: 20 At that time I will gather you; at that time I will bring you home. I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of the earth when I restore your fortunes before your very eyes”, says the Lord

Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Matthew 17:20 He replied “Because you have so little faith I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, “move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

Romans 8:18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Romans 8:37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

2 Corinthians 4: 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Jeremiah 1:5” Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

I know that times get rough and you get scared of what tomorrow holds but everything you have read is straight from our Father. He loves and cares for us more than we can imagine. Everything will fall in to place.

Celibacy.

 

Sex is a beautiful thing.

Sex is a great experience, after all it was created by God. An act meant to be experienced by two adults who are in the institution of marriage.

We have, however, corrupted ourselves and neglected to do right. We want to engage in sex as soon as we realize our sexuality. We even go a step ahead to make memes of virgins in an attempt to demean their journey to purity.

The main thing that we do not highlight is the effect of premarital sex. Before I go further, I am not a saint trying to sell an idea that I came up with. I am sinner who recognizes that the only way I can be saved is by running to a perfect God. I was not always cognizant of what God expects of us when it comes to sex not with it being a taboo to talk about when I was growing up. Correct me if I am wrong, but I don’t feel like the Church did enough to educate us on sex. We had the usual talks in high school on how we could get pregnant if we had sex and also acquire sexually transmitted diseases which to me that was Hiv/ Aids, pardon my ignorance. This however did not sell the importance of abstaining – at least to most of us.

I think that if the church talked louder about sexually transmitted demons and soul ties we would understand God’s concept of sex. I am not trying to blame the church or my sweet mother for not telling what I now know because maybe they did and I didn’t listen.

It is clear in the Bible what God expects of us, let us delve into it for a minute.

1 Corinthians 6:16: “Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, the two will become one flesh. But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.”

God requires us to protect our purity. He tells us that our body is His temple and not for sexual immorality.

1 Corinthians 6:18: “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.”

When I started finding myself in God, I had to ask for forgiveness. It was very easy to ask Him to forgive me my sins, of lying, being unkind, hating people and such until it came to sexual sin. I had sinned against my body, His temple, does He forgive that? Good news is He forgives and sets you free. I prayed against soul ties and any demons I may have contracted and He set me free because the blood still works.

“One of the dangers of sex before marriage is that you could end up with a person for a sexual experience other than a purpose for union, so you end up stuck with someone you don’t like for a feeling that you like.” Jerry Flowers.

While I am on that celibacy journey I decided to talk to a lady, a great friend who walked the journey and actually finished. Here is her testimony as a married woman who waited.

 

Celibacy is not a one fix all solution– Wathoni Waiyaki (https://nonichronicles.wordpress.com/)

What does celibacy mean to you?

Celibacy to me means abstaining from any form of sexual intercourse for whatever period in your life.

Was it a deal breaker for you? For any guy hitting on you and how soon did you bring it up in the conversation?

Yes it was a deal breaker. I had come into a season where I had decided that only my husband would be intimate with me. I would inform anyone interested immediately and of course many of those did not last.

How did celibacy help you in saying yes to your husband?

Well, to be honest it helped loads. It allowed me to see that he loved me for who I was and not for what I made him feel. This was because we enjoyed deeper forms of intimacy in our relationship with each other. Our foundation is deeper now.

How has celibacy influenced your marriage?

First and foremost, my husband knows me for who I am. While intimacy is very important in marriage, for us it was the cherry on the top. We had already had the difficult conversations and had grown our love the godly way so we therefore learned to be intimate in the purity that God always intended it to be in, marriage.

How has celibacy influenced your marriage?

It gave us a solid foundation. For some they don’t get to know each other at all because their dating life consists of being physical constantly. When you get into marriage that requires work it’s easy to become overwhelmed and many end up giving up or looking for that fire outside. For us we were real from day one. No fairytale nothing just us and Jesus. It paid off. We cope better with life. We celebrate the fact that we did it God’s way.

Do you think your marriage would be different if you didn’t practice celibacy?

I think it would have been different simply because the foundational tools we learned would have had to be learned in marriage. That would have been challenging considering you pick up so many other responsibilities. Also men are born hunters and love to hunt so the pride that he is working towards someone that he himself cannot have until he honors is very important. I find that he has carried that honor and respect into our marriage. There is no insecurity, just love.

Celibacy however is not a one fix all solution. You need to be willing to pray and build this foundation in Christ together because without this you do it in vain.

I will follow up on this celibacy post with another as I feel we can all grow together and fulfill God’s will on our lives. I will leave you with this extract from Preston Perry’s spoken word soul ties.

“Lord forgive me for choosing him when the love you gave me in the beginning was enough, is enough because this lust got me out of touch with the one I need to feel the most. Me and him were never supposed to be close enough to be one like you and your son, so if you have to break us to break us up let Your will be done.” Preston Perry

Pat Yourself on the Back

You deserve a seat at the table even if you just brought dessert!

 

Pat yourself on the back for every little achievement. Pat yourself on the back if you are not where you were yesterday. Pat yourself on the back often because people will be quick to point out your failures and slow to congratulate you for a small win. Pat yourself on the back for walking away from the destructive relationship, for leaving the negative people in your life. Pat yourself on the back for leaving that job that caused your depression, for having a vision and acting on it. Pat yourself on the back for being a great mother even though you didn’t get a manual, for being a great dad even though you were really scared (and unprepared) at first. Pat yourself on the back for not giving up, for pushing harder when they did not acknowledge your presence on the table. Pat yourself on the back for using the stones thrown at you to build a mansion. Pat yourself on the back for being you, for learning to love and appreciate yourself. Pat yourself on the back for being the person you are today. You have to be your own cheerleader.

We are all on our own journey hence why we never arrive at the same time. We use so much time comparing our first steps with someone else last step. We become stress addicts because our achievements can only be true achievements if they compare to the next person.

We do not pat ourselves on the back because we feel like we don’t deserve the win. I have felt that, in the last one week I have had two wins at work and for a moment I felt like I didn’t deserve any of that.

There are more experienced people around me so I doubted myself instead of feeling validated. I was scared because I didn’t feel like I deserved any of those wins. The first thought in my head was, who told these people that I can do this? Why do they see so much potential in me? What if I let them down? What if they wake up the next day and realize that I am just a small town girl who is not all that?  All these ran through my mind so instead of going home and pouring myself a cup of tea with some mint leaves, I went home and stressed out.

I am however learning that everything I put out there, someone notices. It is a blessing to have someone notice and recognize you for small wins. It motivates me to want to do better, to be greater. I am therefore going to put my best foot forward and even if I fail I will have given my all. I am cognizant of the fact that some days I will be strong and positive and some days I will be off, so I am putting on my cheerleader costume and cheering this girl today, tomorrow will take care of itself.

Let me leave you with this prayer from Paulo Coelho’s book Brida. This is a deep book that needs to be understood. It has witchcraft and God on the same page but interesting journey of a girl finding her purpose. I have no idea what to think of it but hey I resonate with this prayer.

“Lord, help me understand that all the good things in life that happen to me do so because I deserve them. Help me understand that what moves me to seek out Your truth is the same force that moved the saints, and the doubts I have are the same doubts that the saints had, and my frailties are the same frailties. Help me to be humble enough to accept that I am no different from other people. Amen.”