Loving Yourself

I have said “I love you” a couple of times and now in hindsight I wonder if I knew what I was saying. It didn’t matter whether I meant it or understood it. The feeling that came with saying it was what most people appreciated. The feeling of possession, the “you are mine and I yours” feeling.

It wasn’t right.

I had read so many books by the time I became cognizant of what a relationship was. I had imaginations of how girl would meet boy and how our happily ever after would be. I guess I had an idea of what I wanted, maybe even what I deserved.

I however didn’t pursue it. That wouldn’t have been cool, so I fell into the seduction of mediocrity one or two many times. I said, heard and believed the “I love you’s” passed around always waiting for the next one to make me happier.

Then one day I bloomed into a full grown woman. I stopped waiting for boy to meet girl and decided girl needed to meet someone else.  I decided that I needed love that would make me eager for the next day, not the next one. I looked into the mirror and had an epiphany. I saw the most beautiful being and for a minute my inner self felt inadequate to be responsible for her.

I saw a girl yearning for so much, no sign of happiness in her eyes. I mourned for her, wanted to tell her all the beautiful things in this world and mean them. She deserved every good thing this life could give and I made a promise. There, in my vulnerable self, a woman who knew promises were made to be broken made one she vowed to keep.

I will love you because you are broken and you are me. I will love you because of your scars. I will give you the very best of me. She believed me, not in the way she did before but in a new found way. Those words had never been said to her before. The harder part was showing her my word was my bond.

I made her write everything she wanted to achieve, health, spiritually, mentally and walked the journey with her. I failed her just like any human a couple of times but never once do I make her yearn for a next.

I am talking about self-love. I am talking of giving yourself everything you have asked from others.  I mean waking up and looking into the mirror and telling yourself all those good things. The affirmations that’s where I started. Getting the body you want for you, the music, and the flowers. It’s setting standards for you. You can’t get less than what you give yourself. Self-love looks like;

Accepting and Embracing You

It’s not the easiest thing to do, I know. I fail myself too many times. One thing though that I have learnt is to ask for forgiveness from the girl in the mirror. I always start there. “I am sorry for putting you in a situation that could bring down everything you have worked for. I am sorry I put your peace of mind in jeopardy.”

I apologize to her first. I accept her and embrace her imperfections.

Safe Space

Any imminent danger to your space is dealt with. The moment you meet people and realize their energy is not for you, leave. The moment certain habits start creeping in, work on it. Safe space, safe thoughts build you.

Choosing Yourself

I wish they could see magic when they look into your eyes, but it’s okay if they don’t. You are everything your sweet mother said you are and all great things she didn’t. Therefore always choose yourself, your peace, your joy. Your cup needs to overflow so you can put others first without holding back.

There are perfect days when your love for self will consume you. Write them down. Hold on to them dearly so when other days come that you don’t feel so well, you look back at the good ones. Looking back, I hope you will be inspired to do better, to be better and to choose you. I do that always because some days I make dumb decisions and loathe myself for that.

 

5 Book Recommendations for Your Half-Year Book Goals

A good book is always a great investment.

If you are an avid reader I am sure one of your goals is to read more this year. I hope that’s coming along well. Reading allows you to open up your mind, look life through other’s perspectives as well as become more empathetic.

I have a few book recommendations for you book lovers. These books have surpassed my expectations and I hope they meet yours too.

Americanah

If you love African authors then be ready to be fascinated by my favorite author Chimamanda Adichie.

In her book Americanah she tells a story of love, hope and going back home.

A young lady leaves Nigeria for greener pastures in America leaving behind her first love who also later goes to England then back home. Their love story will make you reminisce on your first love story. Ifemelu and Obinze, the main characters of the story are separated for 15 years.  Each in the hustle of life as young adults which Chimamanda captures well.

Chimamanda talks of racism through Ifemelu’s blog posts and the struggles of Africans living in America. She also highlights the challenges that come with returning back home and lovers reconciling.

You will fall in love with her use of the queen’s language and definitely relate when she talks of Nigeria in the present.

‘We are third worlders and third worlders are forward-looking, we like things to be new, because our best is still ahead, while in the west their best is already past and so they have to make a fetish of the past.”

Of Whom The World Was Not Worthy

If you are interested in books set in 1930s, this is for you.  A book that brings to light the struggles faced in Jugoslavia during the world war period. It’s a story of faith and love as the author Marie Chapian describes it. It’s also a true story.

The main character is an old man, Jakob whose love for God in the time of war is incomparable. He walks far and wide to preach the gospel to people who have lost hope. It’s in his missionary work that he meets a young lady Jozeca whom he falls in love with and get married despite many not approving. Theirs is a story of love and faith in God and in each other.

They do God’s work and He doesn’t fail them. If you have lost faith in God this is the book for you. It will open your mind to what only God can do. You will be left counting blessings as you read of a man who suffered in the world and yet not a day went by without praising the Lord. A man who prayed for his foes as much as he did for his friends.

“We must believe with all our hearts and souls that He is with us. He is a God of love! So shouted Jakob, the evangelist, as the German tanks roared across Yugoslavian soil, and machine guns, motorcycles and Messerschmitts screamed in the hills.

LEAN IN

This is not a book for women only. It’s also for men. Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, digs in on women empowerment and the role both men and women play.

She explores ways in which men would do better to encourage women to take up  leadership roles and explains in the most subtle way how this is not a threat to men.

She also encourages women to lean in and not fear these positions.  You will be impressed by how her late husband contributed in supporting her to become a leader.

If you are looking for a book that opens your mind to what women are going through and how you can lean in as a woman or support as a man this is it.

“As women must be empowered at work, men must be more empowered at home.”

The Tender Bar

Raw and powerful is this memoir written by J.R. Moehringer.

A young boy looking for men role models finds himself in a local bar full of men like his uncle. They embrace him and from them he learns how to be a man. This is the story of a boy abandoned by his father transitioning into a man by any means necessary.

J.R poignantly tells his story on how he struggled with self-esteem even after being admitted to Yale University. It is also a story of first loves and heartbreaks.

You will also find a man torn between pleasing his mother by being a lawyer or going after his dream of being a writer.  This is something we can all relate with.

“People just don’t understand how many men it takes to build one man. Next time you’re in Manhattan and you see one of those mighty skyscrapers going up, pay attention to how many men are engaged in the enterprise. It takes just as many men to build a sturdy man, as it does to build a tower.”

The irony of this book is that after such a long search from men on how to be a man he realized that his biggest lessons of being a man had been from his mother.

You will love this one.

The Alchemist

If you are a Paulo Coehlo fan you will agree with me that he has a way of putting in life lessons in his fiction work. This book is no exception.

A story of a boy who goes after his personal legend encountering multiple obstacles. A journey we all have to take and be resilient. The boy meets people who help him, people who rob him and a girl yes a love story is always there.

This book will encourage you to go after what you believe is your calling and should become your pocket book.

“when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

 

let’s talk quarter life crisis

“You are just a typical millennial, wanting to quit your job because there is no satisfaction in it.” My friend said with a big grin on his face like he wasn’t one of us, when I opened up on how I felt about my job. I was having a moment. Research has shown that millennials leave their jobs mainly for lack of satisfaction as compared to their parents who left for lack of promotions or at retirement.

Many labels have been put on millennials — microwave generation, self-entitled generation, the woke generation — which may be true but even then I hope we understand our youths. I hope we understand we are in a new generation and people speak about their feelings more. People want a wholesome life so satisfaction in their work is key. This is the generation that questions everything including religion.

This is also the generation having a hard time dealing with quarter life crisis. Depression and suicide is common among our young people because despite being open there is no cure for this. According to a WHO research done in 2017 the major cause of death for people between 15-29 years is suicide as a result of depression.

You hit 25 and you realize they lied to you. They said we would have great jobs after going to college; that we would be on our way now to having our first child. They being everyone who said the process was high school, college, job, marriage. They also being everyone who said this is a great course, guarantees you job once done. You start wondering if you are now too old to become the person you wanted to be. You wonder when you missed the train yet you never left the station.

It’s a painful passage to adulthood. You cannot go back home because people are looking up to you. You have done numerous interviews and spent days in cyber cafes filling the online applications. Your girlfriend/boyfriend is going through the same and that strains your relationship so talk of relationship woes on top of unemployment. I mean can’t one just go perfectly well?

You get a call from a recruiting agency, so they do not disclose the company or much about the job until you go for the interview. Light at the end of the tunnel it seems, until the light is dimmed when you realize the kind of job you and twenty others are interviewing for. It wasn’t worth you getting in more debt to get fare.

Your relatives fill your WhatsApp with job applications. Some turn out to be a scam but you apply anyway. They call to check on you until you have exhausted all of them with incessant borrowing. They stop picking your calls and just forward jobs applications.

Misery loves company so you do not hang out with former classmates who got absorbed as graduate trainees, you decide to hang out with those struggling. Friendships die, it’s part of adulting you say hence no one to talk to but social media where you tweet all day your miseries.

Another case scenario is settling for the job that comes your way. “Hey take the job, nobody in this Nairobi is doing what they studied in college.” Common advice. The pay is insulting but hey at least you can pay bills and save a little. Months in, your energy is depleted, you hate your job, you hate your life but there is no way out.

You try everything but depression kicks in.  You talk with your fellow friends, most in the same situation but no way out. You get to work late, miss job some days with a great excuse and spend the day in bed.

The quarter life crisis can be triggered by anything from work, relationships or lack of it. Societal expectations makes it worse as we are reminded of our failures every time auntie asks where the hubby or wife is or the subtle way people ask how is life while they really don’t care they just want to know if you are doing better financially.

I don’t think quarter life crisis is something new. I just feel it is levelled up now because of the presence of social media. Peers showing the life they want us to see and us believing they are doing better, you know, the comparison game.

I have faced the crisis. I have had days I doubt my ability to do something great. Days I hate my job and just want to quit. There are days I want to leave and start my own thing. These are the slow days, when I am having a bad day or something small happens and triggers all the emotions.

There are days I wonder what my peers are doing that I am not doing so I can also succeed. Days when I will be reading and come across young people killing it in the game and feel a certain type of way. I however realized that having these moments is okay but I cannot dwell on them. A few things that have helped me navigate through the crisis are;

Acknowledging my feelings; feel the moment. Accepting I am not where I want to be and deciding to do better. I have put down my goals on where I want to be in the next few months or next one year. Then after, I put down the necessary moves needed to accomplish that and start small.

Affirmations: During my dark days I remind myself whose I am. I go deep in the word and let it all out. I am a daughter of a king. Be still. I am making everything new. I read and listen to God. Worship music and tears also is a remedy for me. I put on stickers on my wall if I have to of the promises of God to me.

Not comparing myself with others; remember some people make it when they are young and others later. I am learning to clap for them and wish them well. Then I define my own path and what success means to me and enjoy the process, embracing the failures. The Preacher Steven Furtick says that failure is a fertilizer let it grow you.

Choosing to see good in everything. Putting strong emphasis on choice because bad things will happen and how you receive and react to them determines a lot.  Everything happens for a reason I tell myself. I remind myself that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord. Trust me I have had bad experiences in the last one quarter but I am surprised on how strong I have come out.

Look for the lessons, they are always there in the bad experiences. Sometimes we lose the things/people we thought we couldn’t do without to be reminded of our source. We even lose things so we can get better ones, trust me on this been there done that.

Having quiet time; this wasn’t really a choice but something I had to do before I lost my mind. Turning off distractions and just listening to myself. No phone just quiet moment reflecting on where I am and where I want to be.  This is sacred.

I was looking out the window in a matatu the other day and all I could see was so many people walking fast past each other. Their lives seemed so busy and I knew I was one of those people and felt I can do better when I get a minute.

So you are not alone, do not let depression creep in, always strive to have that positive thought.  Do not worry for you do not add a day to your life by worrying.

Trust, believe and take that one step a day at a time till you are where you need to be.  It gets better, things will not always be as they are.

 

The Morning routine to change your day.

“Are you happy,” I asked my friend after a lengthy conversation about his health state. “Yes I am fine, are you?” Asked the friend who was just from hospital. I replied from the comfort of my bed I wasn’t. I complained for a few minutes before realizing I was venting to someone whose health was a challenge.

I knew that evening my life had to change. I knew that something had to change. I needed to leave the station because the train of happiness wasn’t coming, I knew I had to put the placard down because the person who would bring me happiness wasn’t on the way, that person was already here. That person was me.

Someone kind enough sent me a book “Miracle Morning For writers.” It is a very interesting book for writers but the first chapter applies to everyone.  My fulfilment journey started then. The author’s intention was to guide people on how to have a winning day by starting with a fulfilling morning. I will share some important nuggets and I hope we can take the challenge together.

Set your intentions before bed.

When night falls before getting into bed write down a to do list for the next day. Create a positive expectation for the next morning. Your last thoughts when you sleep become your first when you wake up. Set yourself up for a win.

Create a morning Routine

Our most common routine entails waking up after the incessant alarm goes on after numerous snoozing, hit the shower then dress up and be stuck in traffic before getting to work feeling tired. Well let me introduce you to the miracle morning routine,  called the life S.A.V.E.R.S that has finally put a smile on my face.

Life S.A.V.E.R.S

The benefit of having a winning morning is better attitude during the day and increased energy. So let us start now.

The first step is to set alarm one hour before normal waking up time. Therefore for the next 30 days let your alarm stick to that. When you wake up first thing you do is brush your teeth, wash your face and drink a glass full of water as your body is dehydrated at night.

Each letter in S.A.V.E.R.S represent one of the best practices to help unlock your potential and add more time to your day as the author suggests.

S-Silence; Start your day by practicing stillness. For 10 minutes, you can do meditation, devotion or just reflection. This is not done in bed.

If you have a big day ahead, you can sit still, take slow and deep breaths, inhale positivity and exhaling negativity.

A-Affirmations This book challenged the way I was doing my affirmations. So after a moment of silence write down a specific extraordinary result that challenges you and would significantly improve your life and one you are ready to commit to creating.

It goes a bit like, I am committed to increasing my income in the next two months so that I can start my business.

You can include on how you plan to do so.

V-Visualization; Read the affirmations and then sit and visualize specific actions necessary to make your goals into reality. Note; not visualizing results.

E-Exercises; 10 minutes work out in the morning can go a long way in accomplishing those body goals you put down in January.

R-Reading; Take just 10 minutes reading a book and also gets you to finish that book goals you put down.

S-Scribbling; finally, write something down. You can journal and if you are a writer this is your moment to write something down.

If you want a successful day you have to plan for it. If you want to change your life, you have to go for it and do what is necessary. Nobody is coming to save us; we have to do it on our own.

Gretchen Rubin says “when we change our habits we change our lives.’ Let us change our habits together because a mediocre life is boring.

 

Loved one

 

Dear loved one,

I pray you learn to forgive yourself,

I pray you learn to forgive them that hurt you,

I pray you learn to love yourself,

Every part of you, broken, healed and healing,

I pray you let go of the victim mentality,

I pray you learn to speak up when they expect you to be silent,

I pray you learn to talk to God like He is your friend because He is,

That in your darkest moment you will cry to Him,

Write to him even,

I pray you  learn to wait on Him.

I pray you find your peace

I pray you find your strength

And that you fall in love with your present

That you fall deeply in love with yourself as you are

Perfectly imperfect.

Getting out of a Rut.

We are human beings and we tend to burn out easily especially when we do not pay much attention to ourselves. We are in the third month of the year which is scary especially if your goals seem untouched. You might be feeling overwhelmed already, I know I am, but I am trying to be more present in the moment rather than being all over the place. Here are a few things to help you get out of that rut, be it career or personal.

Change your routine:

You could be feeling stuck because whatever you are doing is not working. Change up your morning, day and night routine. Include new habits that will keep you motivated and healthy. Read more than you binge watch, sleep early and wake up early to do something constructive.

I have learnt to start my mornings with devotion and end it well with positive thoughts. This will help you visualize how your next day will be like. A good day.

Have a to do list

Have you ever woken up early, got to work immediately and by the end of the day feel extremely tired but also unfulfilled? That has happened to me one too many times. Get a small notebook where you write down your to do list for the day the previous night. This will guide you on what to start with and what to finish with. Trust me, at the end of the day ticking all that you have done will leave you feeling fulfilled.

 

Affirmations and acknowledgements.

Remind yourself that you have the skills to do what you are called to do. Write down the affirmations, reminding yourself whose you are, a child of a King. A king who can do exceedingly and abundantly above all you can ask. A limitless God.

Jack Canfield on super soul Sunday talks of writing down your victories every single night. He says one should acknowledge themselves for what they have achieved in a day. “If you were kind, loving, avoided a temptation, pat yourself on the back. After you have acknowledged yourself, look at what you could have being more, maybe more caring? Put it down and work on it the next day,” he advises.

Love on yourself

I cannot get tired emphasizing on self-love.  Change something up about yourself, have a new hairstyle, shave your hair even, go natural or get a wig. Go out of your comfort zone and do something nice for yourself. Go watch Black Panther, buy yourself a book and go read it in a coffee shop. If you want to feel good, go have a mani-pedi, put on make-up, do a photo shoot, just love on yourself.

Everything will fall into place, don’t rush anything. If you feel frustrated or tired, rest but do not give up on yourself.

 

 

 

Where I am: Taking stock.

 

The first month of the year has come to an end and most of us are elated. Many claim it is the longest month and it is but its end also means that time is flying. I hope you have followed through with your new habits of the year and you are doing the best at achieving your goals. Do not fret if life is stalling because every day is a new chance to make things right.

Looking back at the habits I decided to adopt, I have decided to share on some of the things I have been able to do and hope to continue doing.

Surrendering: I have learnt to surrender and surrender more. I learnt earlier on that depression creeps in when we try to take control of our lives while God is calling us to surrender it all to Him. I have been casting my burdens unto Him and definitely taking His yoke, which is easy. My family, my career, relationships I have surrendered it to him and taken the back seat knowing He has taken the wheel.

Asking God for His will to be done and having Him take away everything I am holding onto that is not of Him has brought me joy in the long run. It  is never easy to begin with because He removes people and things you thought were good for you but trust Him.

Practicing gratitude: I use the life I live journal that allows me to list things I am grateful for every day. It can be anything from feeling a certain way, to acquiring something or simply have a clean bill of health. You will only experience true happiness when you learn to practice gratitude. You do not only practice gratitude when something good happens you also acknowledge moments of growth that may be painful.

Reading and writing: I have adopted a habit of reading two books in a month and that calls for more time set for reading. It has always been easy for me to watch a movie than to take up a book but that is changing in 2018 as I have achieved the target in January. I am also taking 15 minutes to write every day, poetry and stories, some for me and others for the blog.

Listening to: Podcasts and music, I am addicted to podcasts, its how I start my mornings. I have a few podcasts I have been loving but one of my favorites include myleik teele, she’s beauty and the beast, woman Evolve and January has been for Oprah’s super soul conversations. Oprah has been giving me life with her deep conversations with people who have overcome adversities. I hope to discover local podcasts too this year.

I also listen to a lot of gospel music and my two songs of the month are even if, and you carry me.

 Creating  routines and self care practices: I am being intentional with my time and that calls for proper planning. I have morning and evening routines that I try to follow everyday, some days maybe impossible because I can’t predict the time I get home but the most important ones have to happen every day.

Oprah says “you are responsible for your life.” I take self-care seriously and every time someone comes in and disrupts that, I have a self-talk. “Why did you let them in? And I take responsibility. I will love and care for people from a distance but I will not allow them to poison my space.

My self-care therefore includes letting go of destructive habits and people who no longer serve me. It includes listening to my body, doing what I love and being in creative spaces. It also includes forgiving myself for failures and loving every bit of me.

Working out: I have new found respect for people who work out daily. This thing is tough and I am back after taking a long break. Waking up early every day to jog and then work out isn’t the most interesting story. The interesting part comes with the results, I no longer have health issues and my body keeps getting better so it’s a win.

Having devotion time: This is part of my self-care routine, spending intentional time with my creator. I want a deep relationship with God this year and hence I am making time for us. It is my most sacred moment and talking to my father has helped me become a better person.

Practicing kindness and love: I am learning to be kind to people not for what I can get from them but because I should be kind. I am learning to love people not only those who love me but everyone else. In the world we are living in everybody has their own struggle and people will react to you according to what they are going through. People however when they are approached with love and understanding they reciprocate that no matter how they came for you.

If you check out YouTube you might have bumped into the jay z interview where he discusses matters on life and marriage. I did listen to the interview and one profound thing he said was on why people act in a certain way. “You got bullied as a kid so you are trying to bully me, I understand and once I understand that instead of reacting to that with anger I can provide a softer landing.” He says.

Saving: I hope you all read my previous post on money. I have started working on my savings kitty and in the market for a Sacco as I start saving for my future financial obligations. There is no perfect time to start and realizing that got me going.

Here is to believing this is our year and being intentional so it can actualize.

 

 

 

 

 

Money resolutions in 2018.

We all know people who never go through the January struggle. They always have it figured out despite having been on holiday in December. These people have certain qualities in common if you observe keenly. Well let’s look on how we can become better with money this New Year and habits to avoid.

Quit paying everyone but yourself.

We are quick to pay the landlord once the salary comes in, quick to pay for TV, internet and phone bills. I know the thought going in our minds is paying the bills before we can spend it in other ways. What we should realize is that we are paying others while leaving out the one person who worked for it.

Let’s do a calculation. How much money goes into your rent? Multiply that with 12 months and then get the amount you will have paid your landlord for 5 years or ten. Its possible people live in one place for that long. Include inflation to that amount and it’s crazy how much a stranger will have earned from you.

Explore saccos.

Stay updated on different avenues you can save in. If you reduce your rent and put in that money in a sacco religiously every month you will be able to take a loan at the end of the year. Depending on how much you put in and how much the sacco gives, usually 3 times your savings you can buy land and start planning for a home using the same sacco.

Plan for future certain expenses.

If you have a child or expecting one, the most certain expense you have is their education. Start saving up for that child’s education before it’s time to go school and it catches you by surprise. If you have a family a certain expense is the holiday in December, look for avenues to start saving for the same. If you know it’s an election year business may be slow so save up for that.

Stop getting caught by surprise by events you were certain would happen and needed financial planning.

Go get the money.

Easy come easy go, so does easy money. Go work for your money, if your main hustle isn’t enough get something you can do after working hours. Stop sleeping in on weekends and put your hustle mode on. Money loves to be chased and when you work hard for it you will use it well.

Loose that broke mentality.

Let 2018 be the year we use less of that phrase. Confession is possession remember, no you are not being honest, you are negative child. We can use better terms to describe moments we are having financial constraints. Sometimes we even say it because everyone is saying it hence it will be believable. “I am not taking uber because I work on a budget and that isn’t on my budget.’’ Instead of the “I am broke explanation.”

This I know I am taking to the bank.

Track your expenses

Take care of your expenses without overspending. I only have one tip here always remember if you pay people more than you pay yourself, it will show clearly in the future. Your debts, your savings and investments today will determine the kind of future you will have.

Tithing.

It is God who gives us the ability to create wealth as David reminds us in the psalms. When we make our coins, let us remember to take back the 10% for our tithes, as He says test Him.

 

photo credits: Pinterest

 

 

The coffee Shop.

 

I came back to the coffee shop corner,

Hoping to find you,

Hoping to hear your loud laughter,

Maybe even feel the touch of your hand,

I came hoping to drown in your carefully selected colognes,

I came hoping to feel your presence,

It’s empty, like we were never here,

The coffee shop moved on,

From you, maybe even from us,

I stay hoping it will teach me how to,

How to forget the occasional winks we gave each other,

How to forget the taste of coffee with you,

How it let go of two people who had the world to themselves.

I want to know the secret of the coffee shop corner,

How it embraced us, shared our love and then let go,

Everything tastes the same,

Even the food has no remnants of us,

Sitting at this coffee shop corner I see so much,

Couples come in, hand in hand,

Their talk is as loud as their laugh,

Their love warms the room,

I understand the coffee shop has seen many lovers,

They are always new ones coming and old ones leaving,

That’s where the art of letting go is,

Knowing that soon new love will warm the coffee shop,

Maybe new love will warm my heart again too.

 

Photo credits: Pinterest

 

Broken Lover

 

He loves me broken so he can fix me,

He loves me in pieces,

So he can pick my pieces and put them back together,

Every day I run to him for saving,

Slow to listen but quick to offer solutions,

He lays his weapons on the table,

Ready to fight the demons for me, he says,

I sit back amazed by his finesse,

Superman in my eyes,

Every night I lie next to him

Hoping his breath heals me

As I feed off his kisses,

He is my drug and I his Junkie,

He never gives it all to me,

So I keep coming back for more,

Hoping that someday he will fill my emptiness

He is my addiction,

Perhaps the only reason am still here,

At least that’s what he tells me,

There is nowhere else to go but to him,

So I live with his demon,

Waiting for the day he fully satisfies me.