I have said “I love you” a couple of times and now in hindsight I wonder if I knew what I was saying. It didn’t matter whether I meant it or understood it. The feeling that came with saying it was what most people appreciated. The feeling of possession, the “you are mine and I yours” feeling.
It wasn’t right.
I had read so many books by the time I became cognizant of what a relationship was. I had imaginations of how girl would meet boy and how our happily ever after would be. I guess I had an idea of what I wanted, maybe even what I deserved.
I however didn’t pursue it. That wouldn’t have been cool, so I fell into the seduction of mediocrity one or two many times. I said, heard and believed the “I love you’s” passed around always waiting for the next one to make me happier.
Then one day I bloomed into a full grown woman. I stopped waiting for boy to meet girl and decided girl needed to meet someone else. I decided that I needed love that would make me eager for the next day, not the next one. I looked into the mirror and had an epiphany. I saw the most beautiful being and for a minute my inner self felt inadequate to be responsible for her.
I saw a girl yearning for so much, no sign of happiness in her eyes. I mourned for her, wanted to tell her all the beautiful things in this world and mean them. She deserved every good thing this life could give and I made a promise. There, in my vulnerable self, a woman who knew promises were made to be broken made one she vowed to keep.
I will love you because you are broken and you are me. I will love you because of your scars. I will give you the very best of me. She believed me, not in the way she did before but in a new found way. Those words had never been said to her before. The harder part was showing her my word was my bond.
I made her write everything she wanted to achieve, health, spiritually, mentally and walked the journey with her. I failed her just like any human a couple of times but never once do I make her yearn for a next.
I am talking about self-love. I am talking of giving yourself everything you have asked from others. I mean waking up and looking into the mirror and telling yourself all those good things. The affirmations that’s where I started. Getting the body you want for you, the music, and the flowers. It’s setting standards for you. You can’t get less than what you give yourself. Self-love looks like;
Accepting and Embracing You
It’s not the easiest thing to do, I know. I fail myself too many times. One thing though that I have learnt is to ask for forgiveness from the girl in the mirror. I always start there. “I am sorry for putting you in a situation that could bring down everything you have worked for. I am sorry I put your peace of mind in jeopardy.”
I apologize to her first. I accept her and embrace her imperfections.
Any imminent danger to your space is dealt with. The moment you meet people and realize their energy is not for you, leave. The moment certain habits start creeping in, work on it. Safe space, safe thoughts build you.
I wish they could see magic when they look into your eyes, but it’s okay if they don’t. You are everything your sweet mother said you are and all great things she didn’t. Therefore always choose yourself, your peace, your joy. Your cup needs to overflow so you can put others first without holding back.
There are perfect days when your love for self will consume you. Write them down. Hold on to them dearly so when other days come that you don’t feel so well, you look back at the good ones. Looking back, I hope you will be inspired to do better, to be better and to choose you. I do that always because some days I make dumb decisions and loathe myself for that.